Fate is Behind Everything

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value: rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."
-C.S. Lewis

How It All Began?

It took me nine years before I completely realize that I love Dianne. She and I were just friends before. During the third grade, I watched her when she unexpectedly won the "Linggo ng Wika" declamation contest against those students in "A Section." During high school, I gave her gifts during her birthdays. Not only that, we talked a lot over the phone almost every night. I couldn't forget those intimate phone conversations we had. We talked about anything as if time was not running out. She made me laugh and I also made her laugh. The most awkward topic we talked about was when I revealed to her that her elder sister was my crush.

Love In Suppression

I couldn't forget the moment when she told me that, "Dean, bakit si ate palagi sadya mo sa akin? Nandito man ako. (Why are you always asking 'bout my sister when I'm here?) I was speechless upon hearing that. I just didn't know what to say. Those words were nothing to me but a sudden realization hammered deep inside me. Truth is, I started to like her from that moment on. I couldn't exactly understand why but I somehow felt torn between her and her sister.

However, I tried to shed away those feelings I have for her. She's my friend; I didn't want to cross the line. There's no plausible reason why should I like her. I was just a passive aloof "disable" on one corner and she was like the Helen of Troy, who also happens to be the campus' crush. Not to mention, my best friend, Newton, had a crush on her.

The Risks of Falling in Love

Dianne and I never had those phone conversations during college. We only saw each other twice. Luckily we met each other during our friend's debut. There were questions I wanted to ask her but I couldn't utter a single word.

We met again during her 18th birthday. I was happy to see her elder sister but I felt that the sparks were gone. When it's time for "giving-of-treasures," I was melting with embarrassment when she hugged me after my impromptu speech. From that moment on, I seemed to realize that she's a part of me.

She's always on my mind every time my favorite songs were aired on the radio. She's occasionally in my dreams at night. Most of them were intimately unforgettable but I only ignored them. I was still in denial. I felt that it was the biggest forbidden secret I should keep for a lifetime. I rather suppress those obscure feelings than hurting her- one of the people closest to me. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to hurt my best friend, and I couldn't have the strength to admit to myself that I am somehow falling for her.

There were lots of heartaches revolving in my mind after college. Most of them were about my family. They're intoxicating me to death! To unleash my depression, I decided to improve my novel that I wrote during high school. I never had a plan of writing a love story yet I couldn't understand the logic behind the love story I made. It's confusing, right? When I finished the draft, I suddenly realized that I missed Dianne. We were still texting each other and I felt overjoyed every time I received a text from her.

Christmas of 2006 came; I was just sitting on my bed when I got an impulse to call her. I never knew why but something magical was really forcing me to call her. She finally answered her mobile phone after thirty seconds. I couldn't describe the moment when I heard the voice. I gathered all my strength and greeted her, "Merry Christmas."

Unfortunately, the line went off after twenty seconds. I wonder why but she immediately texted me that her mobile battery was weak. I couldn't understand my feelings after that short conversation. I was very happy to hear her voice but I felt something more. Then my tears began to fall. I couldn't control it. I tried to stop it but it was dripping so hard. I don't cry when I miss someone. It was no ordinary feeling, it was love.

Love is All About Waiting

I got scared when I finally realized that I was falling in love with Dianne because too many risks are involved. A week after my shortest phone conversation with her, my best friend and I met. He told me that he's also falling for Dianne. I didn't know what to do that time. It was just crazy!

I cried a lot during that moment. I was not jealous. I was just uncomfortable and anxious of what's going to happen. I knew that I had to choose yet it was very irrational to choose love over friendship and choose friendship over love. I would never win a race against my best friend. There's always a 50-50 chance that I would get hurt if I would tell Dianne at once.

"Apart from intelligence, two things are important in life- that is, friendship and bravery," this is one of the most substantial unforgettable lessons I learned from watching Harry Potter movies and it's the nicest thing I got to do. No matter how I wanted to deny it, friendship should go hand-in-hand with love. If I am courageous enough to tell Dianne that I'm falling for her, my best friend had also the right to know.

Newton and I agreed that we would talk after his graduation. I never informed him that it was about Dianne because it would surely upset him.

I never had a man-to-man serious talk in my life except with my dad. However, I did it for love! Newton was somehow furious when I told him about the situation. But there's no room for fears that time. I explained to him the details why and how it all began. The talk was really awkward for the both of us but we somehow came up with better solutions.

When I went home that night, I phoned Dianne. I sensed that she knew why I wanted to see her. Our conversation took almost a minute or two and we agreed to meet on a Wednesday. I was overjoyed when I hung up the phone. I was really excited but I couldn't deny that I could also be brokenhearted.

March 28, 2007- around quarter to six in the evening, Dianne arrived at our meeting place. She brought Karen, our high school friend, with her. I was just spellbound the first second I saw her. She was undoubtedly beautiful! But I need to do what I have to do no matter what. I came up with a good story to give her the poem. The story was a lie but it was a good story though. I was guilty when I did it but it was the easiest way to tell her the truth. I couldn't describe my feelings when she read the poem. After reading the poem, I had a sudden feeling that something not good would happen. However, I still talked to her no matter how tormenting it is to understand her decision.

"You're just a brother to me."

I have no idea why she has to say this. I appreciate the candor but please to remind that we are not biologically connected. Therefore, the validity of saying it is irrational.

"Can we just be friends?"

Why say these words when it's evident that we can really be friends? It's quite insulting to hear it but I now understand what it really meant.

"I'm not ready."

Anyone could understand the logic behind this line. It's a cliff-hanger answer but it's the most reasonable response of all.

Realizations

"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind; and therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind." -Shakespeare

Love is an endless cycle of mysterious elements. People say that love is blind. Some say love is patient and others firmly believed that love is a mutual feeling.

It is so complicated to be screwed when you're in love. Much crazier when you're involved in a love triangle with your best friend. But no matter what we say and what we believe, love is just everything; therefore love is also worth fighting for.

I don't necessarily know the objective behind the love I have invested for Dianne. I don't really know why I like her. We have no proximity at all. We don't talk everyday. As I see it, she's like a typical beautiful girl every man is searching for. Yet, there is something deeply genuine 'bout her that I couldn't describe.

My mind has a lot of confusing questions but my heart says that I love her. I can think of many reasons why I shouldn't love her but I can only feel that heavy breath of emotion why she completes me.

Everything happens for a reason and what's the main reason behind my love for her? Only time knows. Opening a new perplexing chapter in our life is an unpredictable risk I could take. If friendship is the only best thing she could offer to me now then that's completely fine with me. Maybe the song which entitled My Boo is right, "Even though there's another man in her life, I'll be always her boo."

Yet I'm not closing my doors. If waiting is the last thing I could do, I will do it. There are billions of beautiful gorgeous girls in this world but she's the only one who could bring out the best in me. My friend, my love, my everything.

What goes around comes around! Maybe she will give me another chance, maybe not. Maybe I'm moving on, maybe I can't. I'm not a great believer of luck but no matter what I believe in, one thing is for sure- FATE is still behind everything.