Living in Complicated Reality

It's not easy to be me! Living with physical disability is a complicated test with no correct or wrong answers in it. All you need to do have limitations. Poor self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, being isolated- name it, I have been through it all! Most of the time, I’m always a victim of labeling. Some people will immediately tag me as "different and abnormal." It really sucks! Indeed, having physical disability with a weak immune system is like a thorn of misery filled with a lot of obstacles along my way.

When I was still in my late childhood, I had a hard time dealing with my self. Back then, I couldn’t understand my life. It was futile! I had no self-confidence even a bit. I hardly socialize with people. I was even afraid to talk to my own cousins in such a way that when I talked to them, they might suddenly laugh at me.

During my elementary years, I really felt ashamed with my classmates and my teachers. I didn’t even recite in class. I didn’t even have the courage to report in front of the class. I was certainly an aloof.

In high school, it’s my first time when I got the nerve to report inside the class. I remembered my first T.H.E. class reporting and I was very nervous then. My mouth was somehow dry and my voice was crack. I couldn’t relax and I really felt intimidated. My classmates may mock at me, I thought. Such a weird and strange feeling that time! On the other hand, I improved myself a bit during class participation. I learned to express my point of views. I had friends; however, I still had no identity on my own. I was still upset and confused about my purpose in this world. Life, for me that time, was completely a boring routine. I came to a point that everything was just useless and dull. I felt extremely inferior when I was with other people. My self-esteem that time was drastically low. Whatever I do or say, I felt criticized and condemned. I fulfilled some of my high school dreams yet my life was still hazy.

My father wanted me to pursue computer science in college but I prefer psychology. I know, computer science might be the most useful course for me but I wanted to unlock the mysteries behind human behavior. I grew up as a confused individual and that time, I decided to make a change and stand with my own decisions. Sometimes, I hate myself for being a handicap but no matter, I need to love myself no matter what body structure fate has given me, right?

Truth is, humans are more complicated than computers. Computers work in algorithms, the human mind is not. I can learn the whereabouts of web programming and all that technical matters even I'm not a graduate of computer science.

After college, I realized that life was really unfair. There were always labeling on my back even if you tried to please the people around you. You might think that the closest people to you are proud of your achievements but it turn out to be, they are not and they will nail you down until your ego will be smashed into pieces. If these people don't love me, I can't force them to do so.

Inside me, I know that the soul of my mom is always there to give me the courage I need all the time. Sad to say, the painful reality still remains the same. Like computers, our lives can also run in algorithms. You can have the choice to do what you think is your choice but there are still a lot of things beyond your control. Life has many divisions and you can't always have what you want. It is extremely frustrating to be a human being sometimes, what's more if you are a handicap!

That's life, it goes on no matter how horrible it is. Now that I have realized my own strength and weaknesses, I’ve also learned to balance my self-esteem and just move on whatever it takes. Whatever criticisms that will come my way, I know I can manage it. It really hurts to be criticized but I have to deal with it and there's no other effective way of solving your problems than moving yourself toward it.

Truth is, everything they say against me is only a mere opinion of their own and not a huge fact about me. In life, what matters most is how you see yourself in the crowd. If you see yourself as a loser then you'll become one. There's only one you and me in this world and whoever you are; boy, girl, young, old, gay, bisexual, sexy, ectomorph, introvert, extrovert, prostitute, doctor, handicap, mentally-retarded, jerk, player, white, black, tall, petite, athlete or nerd, you can still stand tall to make a difference.

Yes, life is, indeed, a journey filled with roadblocks and detours but people, myself included, CAN still be a real survivor and choose to survive their own circumstances.

As a handicap, fighting my own insecurities is the greatest battle I have to suffer. It's a curse of fate. It's not my choice to be like this but what can I do? Quit? A survivor has his own limitations, he can lose the game we call life but he never quits. He gets tired but is willing to outplay life whatever happens. For this, living in complicated reality is the true meaning of my existence.